ON THE RIGHT OF THE WIFE OVER THE HUSBAND

The rights of the wife over the husband are many. Among them are these: displaying good character with them, and bearing their offences out of mercy to them because of the deficiency in their intelligence. Allâh says:

“And live with them in a good manner.” (Sûrah an-Nisâ’, 4: 19)

Allâh says with regard to the magnitude of their rights:

“and those women have taken from you a firm pledge.” (Sûrah an-Nisâ’, 4: 21)

“and the companion by your side…” (Sûrah an-Nisâ’, 4: 36)

It is said that this refers to the wife.

The last advice which the Messenger of Allâh gave before his departure from this world was with regard to three people. He used to speak about them to the extent that he began stuttering and his tone became soft. He used to say: “Be mindful of salâh, be mindful of salâh. Fufil the rights of what your right hands possess [i.e. your slaves] and do not burden them with what they cannot bear. Fear Allâh, fear Allâh with regard to women. They are under your responsibility. You have taken them by virtue of the trust which Allâh gave to you, and you made them permissible to you by virtue of the word of Allâh .”

The Messenger of Allâh said: “The man who patiently bears the evil character of his wife, Allâh will bestow him with a reward similar to that which He bestowed to Ayyûb at the time of his tribulation. The woman who patiently bears the evil character of her husband, Allâh will bestow her with a reward similar to that which He bestowed to Âsiyah, the wife of Pharaoh.”

You should know that good character with her is not confined to abstaining from hurting her in any way, rather, it includes bearing hurt from her, and remaining forbearant during her rashness and anger. All this, a person does in emulation of the Messenger of Allâh . His wives used to back answer him, and one from among them would stay aloof from him from morning till evening.

The wife of ‘Umar back answered him on one occasion. So he said to her: “Are you back answering me, O you foolish woman?!” She replied: “The wives of the Messenger of Allâh back answer him, and he is better than you.” ‘Umar said: “Hafsah [the daughter of ‘Umar and one of the wives of the Messenger of Allâh ] is destroyed and ruined if she back answers him.” He then said to Hafsah: “Do not be deceived into thinking that you can back answer the Messenger of Allâh as the daughter of Ibn Abî Quhâfah [i.e. ‘Â’ishah radiyallâhu ‘anhâl, the daughter of Abû Bakr ] does, because she is the beloved of the Messenger of Allâh . Even her fear is part of back answering.”

It is reported that one of the wives of the Messenger of Allâh pushed him by striking his chest. The mother of that wife rebuked and reprimanded her daughter. The Messenger of Allâh said: “Leave her. They [the other wives] do more than that.”

An argument between the Messenger of Allâh and ‘Â’ishahradiyallâhu ‘anhâ took place. They both appointed Abû Bakr as an arbiter and asked him to present himself in order to witness the case. When he came, the Messenger of Allâh asked ‘Â’ishahradiyallâhu ‘anhâ: “Will you speak first or should I speak first?” She said: “No, you speak first and make sure that you speak the truth.” On hearing this, Abû Bakr slapped her till her mouth began bleeding. He said to her: “O you who are an enemy to your self! Does he ever speak anything but the truth?” She immediately sought protection from the Messenger of Allâh and sat behind him [for protection from her father]. The Prophet then said to him: “We did not call you for this nor did we want you to do this.”

On one occasion, ‘Â’ishah radiyallâhu ‘anhâ became angry with the Messenger of Allâh so she said to him: “And you are the one who claims to be the Prophet of Allâh!!?” On hearing this, the Messenger of Allâh merely smiled and bore this with forbearance and tolerance.

He used to tell her: “I know when you are angry and when you are pleased with me.” She asked: “And how do you know that?” He replied: “When you are pleased with me, you say: ‘No, by the Allâh of Muhammad’, and when you are angry with me, you say: ‘No, by the Allâh of Ibrâhîm.’” She said: “You are right. I do not take your name [when I am angry with you].”

It is said that the first love that took place in Islam was the love that the Prophet had for ‘Â’ishah radiyallâhu ‘anhâ. He used to say to her: “I am to you as Abû Zara‘ was to Umm Zara‘ with the exception that I will not divorce you.”

The Messenger of Allâh used to say to his other wives: “Do not hurt me with regard to ‘Â’ishah. By Allâh, no revelation comes to me when I am in bed with any of you except when I am with ‘Â’ishah.”

Anas said that the Messenger of Allâh was the kindest of people to women and children.

Among the rights of the wife over the husband is that in addition to bearing her hurt, he should engage in pleasantries, joking and playing with her. This is something which the hearts of women enjoy. The Messenger of Allâh used to joke with his wives and lower himself to their level of intelligence in doing certain acts. It is related that he used to run races with ‘Â’ishah radiyallâhu ‘anhâ. Once, she beat him and the next time he beat her. So he said to her: “This is in revenge for the last time.”

It is related in a Tradition that the Messenger of Allâh was the most humerous of people with his wives.

‘Â’ishah radiyallâhu ‘anhâ said: “I heard the voices of some Abyssinian people and others who were playing on the day of ‘Âshûrâ’ [the 10 ^th of Muharram]. The Messenger of Allâh asked me: ‘Would you like to see them playing?’ I replied: ‘Yes.’ He called for them and they came. The Messenger of Allâh stood by the door with his shoulder leaning against it. He then stretched out his hand. I placed my chin on his hand. They began playing and I watched them. [After some time], the Messenger of Allâh asked me if I had enough. I remained silent. He asked me this two or three times. He then asked: ‘O ‘Â’ishah! Have you had enough?’ I replied: ‘Yes.’ He then indicated to them and they departed.’”

The Messenger of Allâh said: “The most perfect of believers in îmân is he who has the best conduct and is the kindest to his wife.”

The Messenger of Allâh said: “The best of you is he who is the best with his wives. And I am the best of you with my wives.”

Despite his strictness, ‘Umar said: “It is most appropriate for a man to be like a child before his wife. But when people [outsiders] look into his character, they find him to be a real man.”

Luqmân said: “It is most appropriate for an intelligent person to be like a child before his wife. And when he is among people, he is found to be a real man.”

It is related that Allâh abhors a person who is of evil character and stern. It is said that this refers to a person who is very strict with his family and proud of himself. This is one of the meanings that is given to the word ‘utull in the Qur’ân. It is said that he is a person who is sharp-tongued and hard-hearted with his wife.

The Messenger of Allâh said to Jâbir [when the latter just got married]: “Why did you not get married to a virgin woman? You could have played with her and she with you.”

A Bedouin woman described her husband who passed away as follows: “By Allâh, he was always laughing when he entered the house, silent when he left, he would eat whatever he found [without complaining about the food], and did not inquire about what he found missing.”

Among the rights of the wife over the husband is that he should not be too lax in his joking, good conduct and agreement with her to the extent that he follows her desires to such an extent that her character becomes bad and his awe in her sight falls off completely. Instead, he should follow a balanced course in this regard. He should never abandon his awe and never shrink away when he sees any wrong. Similarly, he should never ever open the door to co-operating with her in committing evils.

Al-Hasan rahimahullâh said: “By Allâh, no sooner a man obeys his wife in whatever she desires, Allâh will most definitely cast him on his face in the Hell-fire.”

‘Umar said: “Contradict women for there is blessing in contradicting them.” It is also said: “Seek their advice and then act against their advice.”

The Messenger of Allâh said: “The slave of his wife has perished.” The reason why he said this is that if he obeys her desires, he becomes her slave. He has thus perished because Allâh gave him authority over her. Now that she has authority over him, the entire matter has been overturned, there is a reversal of roles and he has obeyed Satan when he said: “I will command them to alter the creation of Allâh.” (Sûrah an-Nisâ’, 4: 118) It is the right of the husband to be followed. Allâh referred to men as qawwâmîn ‘alan nisâ’ – those who are in charge of women. Allâh refers to the husband as the master in the following verse:

“And they found her master at the door.” (Sûrah Yûsuf, 12: 25)

Ash-Shâfi‘î rahimahullâh said: “There are three people, whom if you act kindly towards, they will disgrace you. If you disgrace them, they will honour you. [They are] a woman, a servant and a Nabatean.” [105] What he means by this is that if you solely act kindly towards them without mixing your kindness with strictness and your firmness with your softness, then this is what will happen.